#my grandmother’s hands

[bookquotesfrombooks]

“One common (and often overlooked) trauma response is what I called trauma ghosting. This is the body’s recurrent or pervasive sense that danger is just around the corner, or that something terrible is going to happen at any moment.”

Resmaa Menakem

My Grandmother’s Hands

[excellencehasnosex]

∞

Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies

[narwhalsarefalling]

my mother taught me to crochet when i was young. she was left handed, so she taught me how in the bathroom mirror so her hands would be in the right position.

she learned to crochet from her grandmother, who was right handed. her grandma was the one that originally used the bathroom mirror to teach her granddaughter properly.

i find something poetic about that. here in this bathroom mirror, through generations, we adapt to our young who have a different way of learning and interacting with the world

[spookberry]

This isnt done but I really wanted to share it in case I dont finish it

[bookshelfdreams]

do it. gimme the Izzy straight-coded meta 👀

I feel like I need to preface this by saying that Actually, Izzy Is Straightcoded would be the inflammatory clickbait title I'd give this if it were written to draw traffic & ad revenue to my shitty website. So don't take that term too seriously.

There has been a lot of ink spilled about Izzy thinking he's in a story where one can only be subtextually queer. Some even by yours truly, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. What would be the purpose of queercoding Izzy?

In general, villains* aren't queercoded to show that men being attracted to other men is bad. It's often the outcome; but it's not why the trope exists. It exists because cishet people tend to be (and are encouraged to be) profoundly uncomfortable with gender nonconformity, and so, making a character gnc becomes a quick and easy way to make him appear twisted and untrustworthy. If he** can't even obey the fundamental rules of his own gender (rules that are inherent and unchangeable!) what other rules does he disobey?

Or: If a man is insufficiently masculine, he can't be trusted to have morals. The villain isn't gnc because that's an evil trait to have; rather, the gender nonconformity is a symptom of his evilness. Being evil is what enables him to embrace his feminine side, and embracing his feminine side is what others him and marks him as a villain.

This only really works when he's contrasted with a hero (or heroine) who is Doing Gender Correctly. The villain is foul to highlight how good the hero is. The Hero will be honest and straightforward, brave, physically powerful; the Queercoded Villain treacherous, cowardly, and physically weak. The hero is a Proper Man, a Good Person. The villain an Improper Man, and therefore, a Bad Person.

Of course ofmd fundamentally rejects this. The shorthand wouldn't work, because ofmd simply doesn't think effeminacy is creepy. It's uninterested in moralizing self-expression; it just lets people be how they are. There's a wide range of expressions of masculinity on this show, and none of it is inherently bad. People are allowed to be hypermasculine, flamboyant, and anything inbetween, can express their gender in whatever manner they want, and it's all fine - as long as they are authentic about it. Be however you are, but be yourself, and this is what Izzy fails at. The repression marks him as a villain. The strict adherence to what he thinks a Real Man Pirate ought to be like. He's very preoccupied with enforcing a traditional (and toxic) masculinity on himself and others. It's no coincidence the characters he antagonizes the most - Stede and Lucius - are also the most effeminate ones. And I know, I know anglophones have a much more casual relationship to twat and cunt, those don't nearly feel as uncomfortable for y'all as they do for me, so I don't want to assign too much significance here, but he is the only character who constantly uses this kind of language, and also the one who uses the most gender&sexuality based slurs (as far as I remember).

All of this while being clearly, obviously queer himself! I do not feel like I need to explain this; his flustered reaction when Lucius asks him if he's ever been sketched speaks for itself. The fact that he meets Stede and immediately slices his shirt off of him, speaks for itself. And so on.

Izzy isn't straightcoded in the sense that the story wants us to believe he's exclusively attracted to women. Much like a queercoded villain doesn't need to be shown to be attracted to men (and can even be shown to be attracted exclusively to women!) to still be queercoded. He's straightcoded in the sense that he's a stand-in for restrictive and toxic gender roles that society enforces on people. He buys into the idea that there's a way of Doing Gender Wrong, and this is presented as a tragic character flaw. Something he has to overcome to be able to do the thing that actually marks a hero in this show: express himself authentically.

Part of why I found his death so moving is because it enables him to set right the toxicity he spread. His rehabilitation arc was about himself; about finally allowing himself to be, accepting love, accepting community. His death was about taking responsibility. About fully recognizing the hurt he caused. Looking death in the face enables him to finally abandon the last shreds of that toxicity, to apologize and be granted forgiveness. In the end, he was not beyond saving, and the harm he has done will be healed.

*Izzy is introduced as an antagonist to both Stede and the central romance of this romcom. I'm not gonna debate this; if you disagree, fine, but you clearly have such a fundamentally wrong different view of the show that it's pointless for us to try and convince each other.

**of course Queercoded Female Villains exist s well, but they are a whole different can of worms and less relevant to this discussion

[szappan]

having a human brain is a privilege and such a huge responsibility imagine if salamanders could remember what their grandmother's palms felt like

[junipernight]

Yangvik Week Day 6 - Jealousy

"Old Flame"

@yangvikweek2024

At the appointed time and place, the team discretely reconvened in a square at the south end of Caldera City. 

Even under her hat and cloak, Kavik could tell that Yangchen was tired when he spotted her across the square. He wondered if that meant the meeting with the Fire Lord Gonryu hadn’t gone well. Then again, even if Fire Lord Gonryu had agreed to the Avatar’s proposal, Kavik knew that it chafed Yangchen that the leaders of the world couldn’t simply do the right thing (or something approximating it) without being coerced, bribed, cajoled, or otherwise convinced.

Kavik swallowed the last bite of his fire bun, dusted his hands off, and casually began to meander in the same direction  she was now heading. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Tayagum and Akuudan doing the same, and Jujinta was surely nearby. 

Besides Yangchen, none of them had ever been to the fire nation capital before, and the place they were going wasn’t like Yangchen’s usual safehouses; it was the house of a friend, she’d said.

For those reasons, the five of them skipped the acrobatics today, and instead pretended to be ordinary people casually (and separately) walking home from a long day's work. Kavik followed from a distance as Yangchen turned first left, and then right, down street after street. He paused and pretended to admire a stone dragon when two turns were close together, to make sure Akuudan and Tayagum (who were following him at a distance) wouldn’t lose the trail.

Ahead, Yangchen suddenly ducked into a doorway.

Kavik strolled past, not turning his head even a little, and surreptitiously sized up the house the way he would have cased a joint when he was an errand runner in Bin Er. His first impression was that it resembled the mansions of the Shang merchants. Whoever lived here was definitely very wealthy, but the magnolia trees peaking over the wall suggested a scholar or a poet lived inside, rather than a merchant. The architecture was modern, the stone lion-dragons unweathered. Relatively new money. Whoever they were, it was odd that they had chosen to live so far from the palace and the rest of the imperial court.

Kavik walked another couple of blocks, then made a sharp turn. He took a circuitous path back towards the house Yangchen had entered, scaling the wall with a few frozen handholds (which he immediately melted and dried behind him). He shimmied across the roof on his belly, and peered down into the courtyard below. He found himself looking into a garden, filled with lush greenery and zig-zagging paths. Yangchen stood in the middle, in the shade of a weeping willow tree, alone. She had discarded the pieces of her disguise, and her billowing orange robes stood out in bright contrast to her cool surroundings, like sunrise in a mossy forest.

Kavik sidled up to one of the magnolia trees he’d spotted before, and climbed down to join her. A few minutes later, Jujinta jumped down from the roof, and Tayagum and Akuudan descended from the opposite direction soon after. Yingsu brought up the rear.

“So… who’s your friend?” Kavik asked.

There was the sound of wood tapping on flagstone, and then an old woman stepped into view. 

The woman was simply but elegantly attired in a summer tunic and pants, with her moon-white hair braided and wrapped over the crown of her head. She didn’t have the hunched over look that so many elders had, but even so, she was still incredibly short.

Yangchen squealed when she saw her. “Akemi!”

Instead of a formal greeting, the Avatar ran up to the old woman, picked her up, and spun them around.

The rest of the team stared in bewilderment. Who is this lady?, Kavik thought.

The old woman laughed and tapped her shoulder with her cane. “Cut that out, I’m too old for your antics.”

Yangchen carefully put the woman down. Side by side, Kavik thought he could detect a faint resemblance. They both had the same oval face and shrewd eyes. Maybe Yangchen had a Fire Nation grangran? It wouldn’t be that surprising if she did. Boma had given him the impression that air nomads got around.

“Everyone, this is Akemi. My wife.”

Her what? Kavik’s jaw dropped.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kavik saw the others bow, but all he could do was stare. Tayagum clapped a hand on his back and bent him into something resembling a bow.

Akemi huffed, but the soft smile didn’t leave her face. 

“Avatar Szeto and I were married for 53 years,” she explained.

“See? My wife,” Yangchen insisted.

Introductions were made, and then Akemi led the group inside.

***

Tayagum nudged his husband at dinner. Akuudan looked at him questioningly. “Kavik hasn’t stopped pouting since we got here,” he whispered.

Akuudan didn’t need to glance over to see that it was true; he’d noticed earlier in the meal, but hadn’t bothered to unpack the kid’s expression because he’d been too engrossed in a story Akemi was telling about the former Avatar and four volcanoes.

“... but then Szeto bent the lava like it was water, and diverted it away from the town. He invented an entirely new technique on the fly, and saved thousands of people that day.”

“Don’t sell yourself short Keke, I may have stopped the lava, but you were the one who figured out how to appease the spirits. You’ve always been the better diplomat between us.”

Kavik scowled, and pierced a bit of spicy tofu with his chopsticks, much to Tayagum’s amusement.

‘I stopped the lava.’ Akuudan rolled Yangchen’s words around in his head. Not for the first time, he wondered about the nature of the legendary connection Avatars had to their past lives. Before knowing Yangchen, he’d assumed the rumors to be exaggerated, but Yangchen occasionally spoke as if she’d been there. As if she still had the memories of Szeto and others before him. Memories or no, however, Akuudan was sure Yangchen didn’t really think of herself as the same person as Szeto.

All dinner, she’d been hamming up her role as “loving husband” from her seat at the head of the table, singing Akemi’s praises and patting her hand and reheating her tea when it got cold.

Akemi, for her part, seemed to indulge the behavior like a doting grandmother. It seemed to be a long running joke the two of them had crafted. A very sweet one.

“... but I musn’t ramble about the past. Tell me more about your friends. Yingsu - you’re a strapping young woman. Are you and the Avatar companionable?” she waggled her eyebrows.

Kavik dropped his spoon with a loud clatter.

Tayagum choked back a laugh

Yingsu grinned. “You need to get your eyes checked, grandmother. I’m twice her age”

Akemi shrugged. “Well, the Avatar has always had certain preferences.”

The conversation moved on, and Akuudan could see that Kavik was too busy staring at the wall and ruminating to eat his food.

“Are you going to finish that?” He asked. (It was good food, and there was no sense letting it go to waste.)

Kavik frowned, and pushed his bowl across the table.

***

It was weird having a room all to himself. Kavik lay back on the bed with his arms crossed, frowning up at the ceiling.

He couldn’t decode what Akemi had been implying earlier, when she’d made her comment about preferences. It had something to do with Yingsu - but what? Yingsu was a lot of things: taller, older, a fire bender, a woman, very muscular. He was pretty sure Akemi wouldn’t know about the combustion bending, so he could rule that out. It was also more likely to be something that Yingsu and Akemi had in common, or had had in common in Akemi’s youth…

Not that any of this impacted him, directly. He was just looking out for Yangchen. He didn’t want her to get hurt by Yingsu, in either a heartbreak kind of way or an explosive fire-y way.

… they really had been quick to accept Yingsu into the fold. Were they absolutely sure they could trust her? Kavik was pretty sure he had been treated with more suspicion than either Yingsu or Jujinta had been.

A knock interrupted his musings.

He got up and padded over to the door, expecting it to be either Yangchen calling a team meeting, or Jujinta looking for his lost toothbrush again (their stuff frequently got mixed up when they had to pack in a hurry.)

Instead he discovered Akemi at his door.

“I noticed you barely touched your food. Fire nation cuisine can often upset the stomach, if one is unused to the spices. Would you like some ginger?” She asked

“Thank you for the consideration Grandmother, but my stomach is fine,” Kavik said.

“Excellent! Then you can come with me; I need a strong young waterbender to help me in the garden.” She headed down the corridor at a brisk pace, cane clicking, without waiting for a reply. Kavik stared at her retreating back in disbelief.

He raced to catch up to her.

“Do you often garden in the middle of the night?” He asked.

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly, surprising him. “It’s too hot to do something as stupid as garden during the day.” 

A fire national who shied away from the sun? There was something altogether too suspicious about the whole thing. Kavik refused to believe for a moment that Akemi had singled him out to help with simple gardening, even if he couldn’t figure out her real motives yet. 

They emerged into a courtyard. In the center was an overgrown pond.

“I need your help with that,” said Akemi, pointing straight at the moonlit pond… and the bobbing, waving white lotus flowers within it.

Kavik’s heart sank.

“The white lotus rises out of the murky depths, and unfurls her many separate petals,” he recited hollowly.

Akemi squinted at him in confusion. “Yangchen didn’t tell me you liked poetry.”

That was not the answering code phrase. But more importantly, “She talked about me to you?”

Akemi’s wrinkled lips quirked. Kavik noticed the smile lines deepen around her eyes. “Maybe. Now let’s get on with it,” she gestured at the pond. “Lift the water out.”

It was Kavik’s turn to be confused. “You want me to take the water out of the pond?”

“Yes.”

“All of it??”

“Yes. My, you ask a lot of questions.”

Kavik thought about asking why, but decided he would find out soon enough. He bent his knees, circled his arms, and lifted.

The water swelled and lifted out of the pond. He kept pushing and pulling until the pond was empty, and the former pond-water was suspended in a loose orb overhead.

He looked at the old fire nation lady, wondering what she wanted him to do now, and nearly dropped the water when he saw her clamber into the empty pond.

In the center, there were three heavy stone baskets, out of which the lotus flowers grew. The plants looked strange and graceless, flopped over with no water to support them. Akemi began to pull and snip at the lotus plants that had crept outside their bounds, collecting them in a bundle. She was apparently unbothered by the mud.

Maybe it was just because they were both old women who asked Kavik to do odd chores, but Akemi reminded Kavik of Mama Ayuneraq. She may not have responded to his overt query, but that could have been a choice. It didn’t prove she wasn’t a member of the Order.

“Tell me—how is she?” Akemi asked him

Kavik chose his words carefully. “She’s better now, ever since that business in Taku ended. But she lost Nu Jian only a few months ago, and the loss has been hard on her.”

“Yes, I’d heard about Nu Jian.” Akemi rested her hands on the rim of a stone basket, and bowed her head. “Grief can be very hard on a person.”

… The difference between Akemi and Ayunerak, is that Ayunerak would have prodded the conversation toward “that business in Taku.”

“Is she eating?” Akemi asked instead.

“Mostly,” said Kavik. “We have to wave the food in front of her face to get her to remember sometimes.”

“Is she sleeping?”

“Barely. She has this terrible tea she drinks that keeps her wired at all hours of the day. I’m tempted to hide it away.”

“Then do it.”

“What?”

“Take the terrible tea away.”

“I can’t just take the Avatar’s tea away from her! She’s not a misbehaving child.”

“Then talk to her about it.”

Kavik focused on bending the pond water. It was easier to carry if he kept it moving, rather than try to hold it gathered in one place. Akemi finished the rest of her task in silence, gathered up the bundle of culled lotus plants, then walked out of the pond, her feet as sure-footed in the black slippery muck as an arctic rabbit’s on hard snow.

“The world will always have more problems than the Avatar can solve. Someone has to prioritize taking care of her.”

Akemi stomped her foot, and the mud peeled off her feet and clothes and flew back into the pond. Kavik blinked.

“You’re an earthbender,” he said.

“And you’re the boy my wife has a crush on,” said Akemi. “Mind you don’t fuck it up a second time.”

[solsticeswackstuff]

Watching the livestream and the more Angela gets frustrated the more Italian accent comes out. I love this stream so much!

[noxious-fennec]

Marwa Bziwech & Charles Monet; a pair of law students who gave up stuffy suits to be paranormal investigators together in the neboulous pre war era of French protectorate-Beylik Tunisia. They hate each other.

[amuhav]

     “Mother. Don’t.”      “Don’t what?”      “Don’t interfere.”      “I wasn’t going to. I just want to check—”      “That’s exactly how your interfering starts, Mother. Let them work it out themselves.”      “Because that’s worked so well for them so far.”      “Mother, wait— Ugh.”

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[m1d-45]

repentance

summary: xiao is well aware of the threat he poses to others, but fails to recognize that the one he hurts the most is himself. or, my wishes for xiao.

word count: 8.1k what-

-> warnings: massive spoilers for liyue archon quest, spoilers for xiao lore, spoilers for the lantern rite (3.4), hurt no comfort, xiao briefly speaks about himself as a tool/weapon.

-> gn reader (you/yours) and unspecified traveller (they/them). reader has yaoyao n yunjin, and isn’t a traveller main

taglist: @samarill || @thenyxsky || @valeriele3 || @shizunxie || @boba-is-a-soup || @esthelily || @turningfrogsgay

< masterlist >

xiao was happy you were enjoying the lantern rite.

it was… rather unconventional this year, with the music festival making its debut, but you didn’t seem to mind. instead, you were excited, listening to dvorak’s story with rapt attention. you were enthusiastic about helping him, even though you’d just met.

he supposed it was a testament to your kindness.

as with the other times you were in liyue, he followed you closely, ensuring no demons crossed your path. he knew of your team’s strength, and would be a fool to assume you couldn’t safely evacuate if they were outclassed, but still, his spear shattered karma-heavy mitachurls, vanishing the instant before your vessel turned the corner.

even as the karma seeped under his skin and added to his heavy debt, he cursed himself. he should never have allowed such a dangerous enemy to get that close to qingce village. following you was a worthy cause, but shirking his duties for one more than capable of defending themself… it was unwise.

still, he watched until he was certain your party was safe within the boundaries of the harbor, only allowing himself to relax once you met up with ganyu.

with a final look at the lanterns, xiao vanished.

the next time he saw you, he was at mount aocang, collecting some qingxin. though he was rather fond of the flower, they weren’t for him, and instead for verr goldet. he’d heard her complain about how no adventurer wanted to take her commission to collect them due to the rite, and most shops only sold silk flowers or glaze lilies in large amounts due to the same problem. considering the significance of the lantern rite… somebody had to do it.

still, he kept his ears pricked, listening for any calls of distress over the gentle wind. he was cautious to remove all the major threats before he began this task, but he could never be too safe. monsters tended to get more active around lantern rite, and he couldn’t risk-

“help! help!!”

xiao’s hand halted, barely an inch from the stem of a qingxin. the voice… it sounded like paimon, but surely-?

“someone’s drowning!”

in an instant, xiao teleported away, uncaring of the flowers that fluttered from his grasp and down the mountain. he went first to the source of the shout, then dashed to the figure in the water, looping his arm around their chest and taking them with him to shore.

the person coughed and he checked to make sure they weren’t choking, only to be met with the familiar face of the traveller.

he frowned. “what is going on?”

“how do you feel right now?”

xiao blinked and looked away, taking a look at his surroundings for the first time. he was atop mount aocang—what were you doing at cloud retainer’s abode?—next to paimon and ganyu, and a ways away was shenhe, chest heaving in exertion. by the looks of it, she had climbed up the mountain at the disturbance. mentally, he commended her speed.

“ah, shenhe… and the conqueror of demons…”

he stepped away from the traveller, ignoring the way his hand lingered for a moment at their side. your aura seeped from them like tea in a cup, slowly irradiating the air around you. even still, it was not wise to stand so close to them with his debt. it may seek out your light and land within them instead, and he wasn’t sure he could forgive himself if one of your most prized fell ill because of him.

“-looking for an adeptus who's good at being a lifeguard and playing music. but if the adepti aren't gonna stay at home, then how are we supposed to find them?”

even only catching the latter half of paimon’s explanation, xiao knew his time there was done.

“it wasn’t me.”

“ah, yeah, so this adeptus is most likely a woman…”

xiao bit his tongue, but noted the small hint of amusement in shenhe’s voice with a sharp look.

“I am not an adeptus; as you both already know, traveler and paimon.”

paimon nervously laughed, tucking her hands behind herself and swaying side to side. “heh... okay, so this is paimon's fault... no way paimon would've suggested this idea if she'd known how awkward this was gonna be...”

what else did she expect? calling for help after he’d pledged to answer whenever they called, after he swore to assist and ensured they both knew that, and she was still shocked?

…belatedly, xiao realized she never said his name.

“i’m fine. sorry for troubling you both,” the traveller said, giving apologetic looks to the both of them. even though xiao knew they were capable of swimming, he still felt some tense part of him relax.

he nodded, taking half a step back. “glad you’re okay.”

“you’re leaving already?”

“as far as I know, the one you seek is no yaksha. and one last thing...“ he paused, sending paimon a glare. “your actions here caused others a great deal of worry. do not repeat them again in the future.”

he barely gave himself time to see a new wave of guilt wash over her face before he turned and vanished, leaving before he could let himself be swayed into joining your part in your search.

he spoke the truth: you weren’t seeking a yaksha, and he knew the other adepti would be much more help than could be, and without the risk of proximity to his debt.

no matter how many times the traveller privately sought him out after you had left, thanking him for his actions and not-very-subtly implying he answer the stars, he turned them down. he was too much of a risk. perhaps if your team consisted of more gods and less fragile mortals, perhaps if rex lapis finally found a way to keep his karma from latching onto others, then… maybe, maybe he might look to the sky with something more than wistful longing.

finding his eyes beginning to stray higher yet again, xiao shook his head, drawing his spear. even if you did have hardier vessels, he would still be a liability. your light tended to open the soul, to expose and to heal, but with him there it would only result in your team becoming susceptible again, as much so as if they were mortal.

perhaps, he thought, scanning the land for any threats, he was lucky you hadn’t wished upon his stars. he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to deny his god.

with shenhe and cloud retainer by your side, xiao had left you to your own devices, returning to collect qingxin for verr goldet. it was a simple task, one devoid of any distractions, and he returned to the inn before dusk. grabbing a string of ribbon off the large tree encasing the inn—so many people lost their things within its branches, he wondered if it was even worth trying to retrieve them all—and tying them together, he made his way down to the stairs.

she looked up as he approached, having grown familiar with his light footsteps, and smiled at the small bouquet in his hands.

“adeptus xiao,” she greeted, dipping her head as he dropped the flowers on her desk. “what have i done to earn such a gift?”

he crossed his arms. “nothing. i overheard you complaining about not having qingxin flowers, so..” he tilted his head at them. “i collected a few.”

“a few?” the new voice made him jump and he turned towards the source, met with rex lapis’ smiling form. “if i may, i believe that’s quite a bit more than ‘a few’.”

“indeed! i only wanted qingxin as a centerpiece for a few arrangements, but with all of these, i could make twice as many with some to spare!”

xiao’s jaw tensed, but he only gave a sharp nod, turning away. he was halfway enveloped in smoke when morax called his name, forcing him to stay.

he dismissed it, looking over.

“my apologies, but i wish to speak with you. do you have the time?”

xiao nodded again, and followed him up the stairs to the balcony. as he did, he tried to scan his memory for any reason for his sudden visit. he couldn’t remember any significant lapse in his duties, nor anything may have drawn his attention… perhaps he simply wished to warn him about the increase in monsters around lantern rite? but no, the rite’s been happening for years…

a light cough drew his attention, and he blinked, quickly looking up from the floor. “rex-“

“it’s zhongli, xiao. i am a god no longer.”

the need to insist otherwise prickled across his skin, that just because he didn’t have his gnosis and took on a new name didn’t resign him of his status, but he kept that argument quiet. it was one they’d had before.

“zhongli… to what do i owe the visit?”

a satisfied smile crossed his face as he turned to the sky, twisting in search for a specific constellation. “you and i both know why.”

xiao almost wished he was there to chide him about his duties. he could take being told to focus on liyue rather than your capable party, he could take being told to allow you the experience of travel yourself, since he wouldn’t be in other nations, all of those arguments had been quietly and instantly prepared for the moment gold eyes met shimmering amber, but this…

xiao hesitated. zhongli continued.

“i understand any reservations you may have regarding the process, but i must insist any fear you feel has no place here. the first law is more than able to handle one yaksha’s debt-“ arguments sprung to his lips, pushing to be let out “-and while your hesitance would be warranted if it were any other traveling party, this is the exception. please do not show such resistance when the time comes as you do now.”

he crossed his arms, staring firmly at the fake vision of his back to keep his gaze from wandering up, above, wandering to his constellation in the night sky. alatus nemeseos, the bird turned skyward, even as it shone amongst stars.

“who would i be to resist the call of the divine?”

zhongli turned, partially, his profile cast in warm tones from lighting of the balcony. “you tell me, alatus.”

xiao felt his words as a physical hit to his chest, something sharp twisting in his soul. he wasn’t sure why, he knew his argument was reasonable, your party would only be damaged with him there, it wasn’t built for him to slot within it, everybody you travelled with was picked for a reason and who was he to try and-

“xiao.”

“zhongli.”

he turned fully, this time, crossing his arms and leaning against the balcony railing. “they have been awaiting your presence for quite some time now, you know.” he did, ever since he found out how to access his banner he’d been spending more time in it than he probably should, listening to your team travel in search of the primordial gems you cast across the stars. “i expect you to follow their call when it sounds.”

bitter emotions swirled and twisted within him, words he didn’t understand coming to mind as the ones he did know failed him. there wasn’t a word for the sharp conflict within him, no word for the push and pull between the desperate want to be by your side and the need to keep you safe. he’d existed for millennia, and yet even the most flowery of metaphors failed when faced with the overwhelming decision he had to make. how could he choose? how could he pick between disappointing you and poisoning the ones you loved? how could he handle the very real possibility of having to watch as the traveller grit their teeth, as your vessels slowly rotted and decayed, how could he live with that knowledge? that it was his fault, that he had done it, that by simply being near him they were choosing to die?

but how could he live without you?

zhongli had apparently noticed his turmoil and, evidently satisfied with having planted the vine that grappled with his conviction, gave the slightest nod of his head, allowing him to change the subject.

xiao took it in an instant, “it's almost lantern rite, yet you took all the trouble coming here.”

zhongli sighed, an old problem brought back to mind. he’d feel bad about bringing up the rite if he wasn’t horribly uncomfortable with the prior topic. “the director has a way of making it difficult to decline..”

director?

after a moment, he remembered the job he’d taken on. he hadn’t spoken much to the current director of the funeral parlor, but had heard of her eccentricity. “rex lapis-“ zhongli’s eyes sharpened, but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize for the slip when his mind was still fixated on the concept of the divine “-may I ask what troubles you?”

after a moment, he sighed again, taking the conversation towards something called sesame oil he needed to buy. xiao responded when it was appropriate, letting his answers come whenever they were needed as he continued to think.

zhongli had said you were ‘awaiting his presence,’ but… you hadn’t cast any of your stars across the sky. surely, if you were as eager as he made you out to be, you would have tried to wish on his stars? surely you wouldn’t be out and about, enjoying the rite, mastering paper plays and assisting yelan? you wouldn’t be out with the crux, skidding across the sea in your waverider, or enjoying the launching fireworks that shot your vessels high?

(he, privately, hated that last aspect of your spent time. his heart always leapt whenever you were slightly delayed on shooting yourself forward, his hand tight around his polearm as he made sure that your vessels never fell too quickly. there was only one of these… displays? attractions? set up in liyue, for which he was both grateful and resentful. as much as he hated the loud crackles and bright flashes of the gunpowder, obscuring your vessel’s figure long enough for him to draw unsavory conclusions, he would much rather you fly with sparks where he could watch)

still, xiao kept his arms crossed, forcibly tuning back into the conversation if only to hear zhongli excuse his long-winded ramble and brush by him, an expectation in his eyes. he pulled himself from his thoughts, however heavy, and made the choice to draw his polearm once more.

maybe if he protected liyue, maybe if he pulled villagers from the path of mitachurls and stabbed the jade point of his weapon into the masks of lawachurls, maybe you would recognize that he was much better suited to this sort of work. maybe you would understand the threat that was his soul, and allow him to continue assisting from the shadows, never glimpsed but always seen.

wind swept across the empty balcony, the last yaksha having returned to his duties.

the next day was as easier than the last. your party had strayed north, towards mondstat, and though he admittedly missed seeing them around, he would be lying if he said it didn’t make his job easier. he could move swiftly, acting on autopilot, barely allowing the ruin guards to collapse to the floor before he was gone in a flash of teal and black. one could argue it was dangerous to be so automatic in his movements, to not be paying attention to his surroundings, but he would simply reply with a shake of his head. it wasn’t easy to sneak up on the adepti. by the time somebody set their intent to approach him he had already felt their presence on the wind, and had vanished.

which was exactly why, when he overheard verr goldet talking with somebody in an exasperated tone, he knew the recipient would be climbing the stairs to the balcony before they touched the first step.

he moved, with heavy irritation, to the roof of the inn instead, standing in the shadows. hopefully whoever it was would be gone quickly; he couldn’t see the stars very well from under the tree.

the first thing he sees is a hat, decorated with flowers, then two spiraling twin tails of reddish-brown hair. the ornate jacket is next, familiar in a way he doesn’t recognize.

the person stops in the middle of the balcony, pausing for a moment before bringing their hands to their face-

“conqueror of demons! adeptus xiaaaaao!” he winces at the girl’s volume, at the way it amplified over his name. “guardian of wangshu inn! hero of dihua marsh!”

maybe if he just ignored her she would leave? plenty of people knew him, sought him out for one reason or another, surely she would be the same?

she turned in a slow circle, her hands on her hips. “i know you're thereeee!”

he couldn’t stop the way his tongue clicked at her lack of manners, nor the way the sound travelled down to her. one hand held her hat as she searched the shadows above the inn, and he stepped to the edge before she could climb up herself and get hurt.

“quiet! do not disturb the peace.”

she grinned, another flash of familiarity shooting through him at the sight. “sorry! but you wouldn't show up if i didn't yell your name, would you?”

xiao studied her face, searching for a detail to latch onto. her eyes, the design on her hat… her rings.

“i know you,” he said finally. “you're the 77th director of wangsheng funeral parlor…” he weighed his options. the parlor and the yakshas had worked together in the past, and if there was something wrong…

he held back a sigh. “is there something you need?”

the director—hu tao, his mind finally recalled—invited him down with a sweep of her hand, and he dropped off the ledge of the roof before he could make the conscious choice to.

“well, as you know, the funeral parlor has worked closely with the yakshas in the past-“

xiao tuned out her words. she needed a favor, clearly, and if there was one thing he disliked it was people dancing around what they wanted.

‘oh mighty yaksha, please grant us assistance,’ as if they weren’t actively wasting time by not just getting to the point. he understood the need to be respectful, and honored that respect in turn, but this?

he crossed his arms. “get to the point.”

hu tao faltered, but quickly recovered with a smile. “ah, not one for small talk? that’s fair.”

he sharpened his gaze into a glare.

“alright, i get it… in truth, im only here for one thing. just one tiny little favor, in honor of the lantern rite.”

“…which is?”

“are you free in two days? i’m hosting a dinner party with-“

“no.”

she blinked, red eyes owlishly wide. “what? but you haven’t even heard what i was asking!”

“i don’t need to. adepti have more important duties than dinner. even if that weren’t the case, you of all people should know the danger that i pose at any social gatherings.”

her face twisted. pity. “i do know! which is why-“

“i’m not going.”

her eyes hardened. determination.

hu tao crossed her own arms, her voice taking on a sharper tone. “adeptus xiao. on behalf of the wangsheng funeral parlor, i am inviting you to a dinner in two days, at seven at night, at xinyue kiosk, to celebrate the lantern rite. i have made the necessary arrangements prior, and have ensured everybody at the gathering is well acquainted with elemental power. your karma will not be a problem for the length of the dinner, of which i am certain. i must heavily insist that you come.”

her tone surprised him, the sternness with which she spoke almost reminding him of verr goldet.

maybe it was that comparison that made him revisit her words, or maybe it was the stars beginning to shine in the night as it darkened with dusk. maybe it was because he recognized his own amongst them, his unspoken duty written across the sky.

or maybe, by chance, it was her choice of phrasing. ‘acquainted with elemental power,’ not ‘vision wielders.’ functionally, they meant almost the same thing, but…

his eyes flicked to the sky. to his debt, and not the one poisoning his soul.

“in two days.”

and just like that, the stern facade was gone, a giddy smile in its place. “yep! in two days, at seven at night-“

“-at xinyue kiosk. i do not forget such things so easily.”

she nodded excitedly, one hand going to twist the rings on the other. “alright! uh- have a good night, then!”

and without another word, she brused past him, the small wave of warmth from her vision the last remnants of her presence.

xiao walked to the edge of the balcony, setting his hands on the railing. after a long moment, perhaps extending to two, he looked up.

‘acquainted with elemental energy’…

two days passed.

the clock read five past seven.

xiao was not at xinyue kiosk.

in fairness, he didn’t realize the time. immortals experienced it differently, hours slipping by before he could think to reach for them. he’d vanished from the inn at around five, intending to make a final sweep of the nation, starting at the southern edge.

for safety, he told himself, ripping his spear from the nth hilichurl. he couldn’t bear if somebody got hurt because he wished in indulge in the aura of the divine.

for the dinner, he swore, twisting the tip of his spear into the eye of a ruin guard, seeing the power through its body cut off sharply as it fell to the floor. so he could spend as much time as he dared by your side before having to go.

and for the adepti, he muttered, who had enough to mourn around this time anyway, who didn’t need to have something else to worry about.

for your world, which you had so carefully crafted, and everything within it. for you, who he had prayed to before he left, leaving the last remains of his almost tofu at the shrine for you at the inn.

for you, his god.

by the time he noted the hour and hastily returned to the inn, checking the time in his room, the wind had carried him the call of his name.

“adeptus xiaoooo? conqueror of deeemooons? you’re late for dinner!“

he recognized the voice as hu tao, and met her on the balcony. she had her arms crossed, red eyes sharp when they found him.

“there you are! what are you still doing here?”

he didn’t have much of an excuse. “i apologize. i was caught up in my duties and lost track of time.”

it seemed to appease her, her arms falling to her sides. “fine, i guess you’re excused this time. now come on!”

she took a step towards the staircase back down, but he caught her by the arm, ensuring he had a strong grip before teleporting them both just outside xinyue kiosk. the waitress startled and hu tao stumbled, but both seemed fine.

to his surprise, the director recovered quickly, walking up to the doors and pushing them open with far too much force, in xiao’s opinion.

“ta-da! we're here!”

he followed, carefully shutting the door behind him, taking a quick look around the room. it was mostly empty, likely reserved for the dinner, and though hu tao blocked most of the people from his view…

he met zhongli’s eyes, noticing the barely there widening of his eyes in shock. “i see... so the important guest is the conqueror of demons.” it was strange hearing his title on his tongue, the words that hardly meant anything to him anymore spoken by morax himself. “i’ve been looking forward to meeting you. the director didn't mention anything when she invited us. what a pleasant surprise... gathered here with us tonight are not only young and accomplished individuals, but also the protector of liyue’s peace, adeptus alatus. to convene here with all of you is indeed a great honor.”

the uncharacteristic praise was a shock, one that left him scrambling for a response. he shouldn’t have been so affected, he was thanked daily by the people he saved from hilichurls or abyss mages, but here….

he chalked it up to your presence. it made sense he would be on edge so near your vessels, right?

“i’m sure you're exaggerating, zhong-… sir.“

hu tao huffed, and he couldn’t tell if she was out off by him or zhongli. “ugh, there he goes again! enough with the pleasantries. let our guest take a seat.” despite saying this, she didn’t move to sit down. “everyone here today is well-known in their own field and has probably heard about one another to some extent. some of us are even old acquaintances, so there's no need to be this forma…. i heard that the conqueror of demons and traveler are pretty close, no?”

the traveller looked up and nodded with a smile, keeping eye contact with him despite hu tao speaking.

“great! you two sit together!”

he walked and sat besides the traveller, noting the chair between him and zhongli. was somebody else expected?

hu tao sat after asking the host to bring the food, and your aura ebbed from the traveller. they blinked, as if waking from a deep sleep, and everybody greeted them again, saying hello to them instead of you. they exchanged greetings in turn, and xiao forced out a hello when their gaze landed on him. you may have left, leaving them to eat on their own, but his soul still strained for the remnants of you that permeated the traveller. it was an expected side effect of dealing with your first vessel, but not one xiao had ever experienced so intensely. he usually kept his distance, carefully monitoring the flares and floods of his karma, never sitting directly next to them for a meal.

but it’s just a dinner, he told himself, staring down at food he had no intention of eating. just a dinner. an hour, perhaps two, and his heart rate would return to normal. an hour, and he wouldn’t be so distracted when the traveller tried to gently make conversation, perhaps two until his eyes stopped drifting their way.

below the table, his hands flexed into fists.

your presence waxed and waned during the dinner, attention ebbing and flowing as the conversation went on. it spiked when barbatos arrived, leaving xiao struggling to remember what cover story he’d chosen.

‘venti’ had picked it up smoothly, and xiao let himself lapse back into silence. it was difficult to speak at such a gathering with so many, when he had to put up front after front with your golden aura reaching to tear them down. he didn’t want to pretend, to lie, to swallow oddly-textured meals that scraped the edge of edible, but he also didn’t want to lean too far the other way and fall into the divinity at his side.

(it was so tempting. he could feel his skin prickle where the traveller got close, reaching for a plate or to pass one to another. the stain of his soul reached for your cleansing water, begging to slip under the crashing waves and drown with you in his lungs. with every gasp of air, salt soothed his sting, easing his pain breath by breath)

a sharp call of his name drew his attention, and he blinked. the traveller was looking at him, some message in their eyes. he couldn’t decipher it.

“what’s with the urgency?” his mouth said, unbidden.

“are you done eating? could you come take a walk with me?”

“….sure.”

they flashed a quick smile, placating hu tao and paimon before standing, inviting him to do the same. he walked for the door, though they lingered momentarily to speak with the others.

the room was filled with you. even as you were in the opposite corner, talking with hu tao, he could feel your amusement, your joy. you liked seeing them all together like this, and you brightened the room simply by being in it. tensions lessened, arguments ceased, even the most petty of squabbles were reduced to merely a thought on the wind as you swept by-

the traveller pushed open the door, inviting him out with a smile.

in all honesty, xiao barely paid attention to his conversation with the traveller.

he felt the emotions in his words, the intent behind them clear in his mind, but he let the pull of your command guide him to the phrases themselves. the strings of your device, gentle yet firm, twisted his body, crossed his arms, turned him away, all in a careful act of your design. to bend so easily to another’s will would be a sign of weakness if it were anybody else; yet it was you, and even gods were known to kneel.

and so he spoke, even if he did not know the words. he accepted the plate of almost tofu from xiangling, even as the shake in his hands was stilled by your careful light. he let himself sink into your presence, into the brief glimpse he would have of it before you were whisked off to another adventure. another day of commissions, another day of ley lines and ruined domains, another day where xiao sat silently in the shadows, wishing he could be closer even as he knew his place was to watch from afar.

he walked inside with xiangling, stepping into a circle he expected yet didn’t know would be there. he stood, and basked, feeling like no more than a snake curled up on a warm stone, letting itself sink sink sink into the sun. his skin was riddled with goosebumps despite the pick-up in his heart and the slightest of flushes on his skin. even in the warm room—with warm you—a chill travelled down his back, prompting his speech.

“i refuse.”

he said his lines. he passed the torch to the traveller, far more equipped than he to handle your light; perhaps that was why they should light the incense. they took their place as the spot of your attention with grace, the predetermined words slipping from their mouth with ease.

“you, of course. take a look in the mirror.”

natural, easy, their head moving a hair before the strings told them to, their body so attuned to your wishes that they saw them before you did. the light of the room painted a halo around their golden hair, an imitation of the divinity that rolled off them in waves, washing out to latch onto those near you and pull. you did not call them to harm, never, and yet it felt almost painful to resist, as if it went against their very nature.

“i trust the traveller’s judgement.”

though he meant it, he was not the one who said it. xiao was floating at sea, both wishing for an anchor and praying he could sit and bob atop the water for just a little while longer.

perhaps it was selfish to want to be so close when such a deadly force lied inside of him, but now… xiao could not find it in himself to care as much as he should. he let himself stand next to the traveller, as close as he dared, soothing himself with the knowledge that they were more resilient as an outlander. maybe he was even being safer, by being further away from the others?

(it was a fever dream. xiao didn’t want to wake up)

he followed the others outside again, stood in silence as they said their goodbyes, only ever coming out of his thoughts at the sound of zhongli’s voice.

“well then…”

the knowing look he gave immediately made him think he’d missed some important information, “rex lapis-“

“just zhongli will do.” his eyes softened to sympathy, the knowing switching to understanding. “i live as a mortal in liyue harbor now. i am just one among many who begin work at sunrise, and retire to rest at sundown. if we were to consider status and seniority, as zhongli, i should be respectfully referring to you as adeptus xiao.”

“heaven forbid,” he answered immediately, momentarily forgetting about the binds of his actions. for morax, a god, to refer to him by title? no, that was impossible, unthinkable, so many layers of wrong-

“adeptus xiao,” the traveller called, their voice shaded with a laugh. and there, just beneath it, was you, your influence curled around their words.

you chose for them to say that. you chose to address him as if he were an equal.

…it wasn’t often xiao found himself questioning the divine, but he couldn’t help but ask why you were making it so hard for him to keep his distance.

“…but whether to me, streetward rambler, cloud retainer, or younger adepti such as xiao and ganyu, those adepti and gods that may seem extraordinary to humans are something more akin to close companions. this was as true back then as it is right now. just as xiao may seem unapproachable to most, but the traveller has proved otherwise.”

xiao wondered if they ever got tired of hearing ‘the traveller’ in place of their name. he knew zhongli knew it, as did he, but your device never allowed them to say it… it was as if it was a closely kept secret, but only a secret from the traveller themselves.

“there's no need to dwell too much on certain things.”

“rex- i mean, zhongli, what you're saying is...”

he nodded. “it looks like you understood what i meant.”

he didn’t. though he understood that the traveller was closer to him than most, he didn’t know how it related to the conversation at hand. was it his lack of attention to the meal? surely none could blame him for that, for a wounded man to seek out the balm for his ailments..

“hm…” zhongli’s eyes flicked over the group, quietly assessing his options. “the director asked me to accompany you on your return, but i don't think you'll need my protection. i’ll be taking a walk around and admiring the night scenery. after that... it'll be time for me to go back and meet up with the director. goodbye, for now.”

before xiao could protest, he had walked away, leaving them standing outside xinyue kiosk.

paimon waved, “bye, zhongli!” and xiao took notice of the slight bob in zhongli’s shoulders, and the wave over his shoulders that you could not see.

“everyone's gone now... paimon always feels a little empty inside when a lively celebration ends... but at least you'll always stay by paimon's side!”

the traveller’s mouth ticked up in a smile as they crossed their arms, affection in their eyes as they waited for paimon to recognize her slip.

“no- no no, paimon got it mixed up! paimon, the best and most distinguished travel guide, will always stay by your side, traveller!”

the traveller’s eyes unfocused, your presence bleeding through even further. “it’s my honor,” they finally said, “but i’m afraid there'll be a lot to ask of you in the future too, most distinguished paimon.”

the words, though not their own, flowed so easily off their tongue. they were at perfect ease, used to the strings that puppeteered their actions and working alongside them. xiao couldn’t help but allow himself the brief illusion of imagining how it would feel to go into battle with you at the helm; he’d been controlled by you before, briefly, for a moment here or a group of enemies there, but nothing like the reported battles you’d gotten into before. the glimpses of coordination he’d seen from you as you cleared out hilichurls or treasure hoarders were fascinating, but part of him yearned to know what it was like when you battled azhdaha, or challenged childe yet again at the golden house.

“-xiao, is there anything else you wanna do? oh we could take you on a tour of liyue harbor!“

he pulled himself out of the delusion. he already knew that would be deadly for anybody else on your team, so why did he keep allowing it to creep back into his mind?

“no need. i’ve stayed here for much longer than i had expected. the city lights are a fine sight... but it's time for me to leave. the events of today occurred so abruptly.. i appreciate your kindness.”

the traveller listened, receiving orders from heaven itself. when they spoke, xiao could almost believe it was you speaking to him.

“the feeling's mutual. you don't have to thank me every time.”

he nodded, taking a step back. he hated how much he didn’t want to listen to the strings. “okay.”

what kind of vessel could he be, his mind taunted, when he couldn’t even follow the simplest of orders?

the traveller’s face twitched, worry flashing over their features, but he grit out the last few words before they could stop him.

“i’ll see you next time, then.”

he hoped he would, even as he knew he couldn’t.

xiao stood on the balcony of the inn, letting the wind wick some of the heat from his skin. it was warm, partly due to the lanterns and sparklers set up around the inn, but he couldn’t find it in himself to mind.

not when you seemed so happy.

you had loved the rite this year. you had cooed and fawned over the select vision holders that your device allowed you to see, though with careful precision to their dialogue. you walked around liyue, taking in the sights of the paper lanterns. you had appreciated the bit of history, this year, and though he wondered why, he would not question it. your device had a way of turning the most tragic of monologues into a story unfolding before your eyes, and he supposed even the same opera would be interesting with new props.

not for the first time, he looked to the sky, tracing out the twin constellations nearly directly above him. he didn’t know the name of the other one, nor who it was for, but he recognized his own with ease.

alatus nemeseos. winged nemesis. the constellation of a traitor.

he gripped the railing a bit tighter.

he didn’t choose for his constellation to rise, he knew that, but he was choosing to wish, selfishly, that he’d be the subject of your golden stars.

(it was wrong. it was awful. he was wishing death upon those you loved, he was hoping that those at your side would corrupt from his karma and fall, he wanted to chase his desires despite the lethal consequences. he wanted to break his contracts to ‘always serve, always protect,’ to go against everything he’d learned as a yaksha and an adeptus, to drop to his knees and pray that the affection you had shown to him through the traveller was from you and not them. he wanted, so desperately, for your light to shine upon him once more, ignorant of the way his darkness crept into those around you. he was wrong. he was awful. but even as the thoughts plagued his mind, he didn’t want them to stop)

the stairs creaked and he tensed, ready to disappear, but the wave of your aura kept him from leaving.

ah. he should have expected that.

you liked to come up to the inn’s balcony, sometimes, whether to climb onto the roof and view liyue from a different angle, or to inspect the strange rock formation in the pot up here. and after the dinner… it made sense you’d want a quiet place to think.

your vessel walked up besides him and he turned, eyes quickly flicking over their figure. uninjured.

the vessel flashed a smile, an instant before words were pulled from xiao’s mouth.

“yanxiao just came up here with some almond tofu, but... i haven't finished everything xiangling gave me yet... you should try some too. i’m not as experienced in tasting mortal food as you, and i couldn't tell the difference.”

amusement washed off your vessel, their own mouth twitching into a smile, and pride swelled in his chest.

“...there must be many different stories to tell of the hustle and bustle of the mortal world, too. you can tell me. i will listen.”

part of him hoped you would answer, that you’d take the moment to vent off some of your worries and let the night air take them away… but you didn’t. the conversation ended, and he turned back to the balcony, belatedly realizing his turn earlier was calculated.

your vessel walked up besides him, and though your imprint on them was lesser than the traveller, the proximity more than made up for it. the entire side of his body was warm, almost hot, the pain from his karma lessening.

his karma.

xiao’s eyes flew open—how could he forget, how could he be so risky with somebody so important—but your vessel was gone. he wasn’t standing on the inn balcony anymore, the warmth wasn’t solely to one side of his body-

clouds puffed up all around him as he crouched upon an invisible floor, the binds of your device far stronger when he tried to move.

his banner. why was he here?

he hadn’t chosen to come up, to rest amongst-… stars…

blue streaked the sky in front of him, different than the pale shade of the sky.

a wish.

xiao took in a sharp breath, his lungs filling with divine air. he could hear his heart in his ears, his thundering pulse nearly drowning out the sound of the blue stars falling in front of him.

shooting stars. you were making a wish.

upon his constellation.

why? why did you want him? your team was complete, you were doing excellently, your main was more than strong enough to handle what you needed to. you didn’t need him.

blue.

why? surely you knew of his karma, of how dangerous he could be? you had to, the traveller brought it up at dinner, and though your vessels were strictly vision holders, even they would soon succumb to his debt. he couldn’t- you knew he couldnt go, you had to, so why were you wishing on his stars?

blue, and he could have sworn he dropped a few inches.

he knew you had each of the lesser constellations circling his, he saw the excited tears from yaoyao and heard of the break that yun jin’s opera house had to take. you had no reason to cast your stars into the sky except for him, but he couldn’t go. he wanted to, and he was so selfish for yearning for your touch, but he knew he couldn’t go.

he couldn’t poison your team. he couldn’t bear to watch those around him crumble and die because of his mistakes, not again, not when you loved them enough to build them from ash.

blue.

blue.

blue.

with every star that went by, your aura grew stronger, wrapping around his entire being as if you were getting ready to pull. his mind warred with itself, the needs to obey your call and yet protect your vessels tumbling over and over in his mind, a coin flipped into the air in permanent stasis. he didn’t want it to fall, but he needed it to.

what did he do? did he even have a choice? it was impossible to say no to the divine, but he knew that at least for now he had the illusion of choice, a question posed that he didn’t have the answer to.

were you worth it?

(yes. yes. of course you were. he would put a million demons to rest if it meant a glimpse of your hand on his skin, he’d push himself to the brink of death if you would only pull him gently from the edge, whispering carefully in his ear that you were proud of him. he was yours, in all of his entirety, and were it not for your other vessels he would be fighting tooth and claw to answer your call and turn the stars gold. he wanted, so terribly, to present himself in front of you as nothing more than another tool at your disposal, but what weapon tarnished the blades it was kept beside? what were his wants compared to the lives of others, others who had already seen their god and bowed their head, others who you loved and adored and praised and apologized to? what was an adeptus to one bathed in the light of god, what was rotten, rusted steel to a razor-sharp edge, what was xiao to the ones you loved?)

a star formed, bright gold and illuminating the clouds besides it, and xiao froze.

his thoughts were an anxious mess, his normal clear head lost and discarded in the face of the divine. rationality was gone, selfishness warring with selflessness, every lesson he’d ever learned worth nothing more than dust in the face of the star shooting towards him.

the star flew by.

no.

he reached, desperately, pure instinct kicking in as he pushed against the binds of the invisible space he was trapped in. he didn’t want to be here, he wanted to be there, he wanted to be wrapped in the golden light of heaven and fall to earth in your embrace, shielded from the impact of earth on bone as you swept him into your quiet realm of stars.

the star jerked slightly, but did not turn.

xiao watched, helplessly, as it picked up another, his chest heaving. in an instant, both sides of his mind came to a swift conclusion: he had made a mistake.

what did he do? why didn’t he listen? why couldn’t he just go when he was called, why did he doubt your judgement? of course you knew, you always did, he was a fool to think he knew better than the one who knew all, a fool and a heretic to try and apply his narrow world to the keeper of thousands.

he fell from the clouds, stumbling on the wood of the balcony, his hands automatically finding the railing to stabilize him.

what had he done, and why had he chosen to do it?

he turned, seeing your vessel standing there, looking lost for a split second before you returned, their body relaxing again. they looked at him for a short moment, their eyes sad- disappointed? he couldn’t tell, his heart was racing and his thoughts were blurry, every breath one of acid.

when they vanished in a cloud of golden sparks, the first tear fell. he didn’t have the right to cry, he knew, this sadness was of his own doing, but the knowledge didn’t stop the tears. he had driven the blade into his chest and had no right to cry injustice, but his heart still wept, the severity of his actions only hitting once he could no longer repent for them.

all he could hope for was that you would be happy, even without him at your side.

[bookquotesfrombooks]

“The deadliest manifestation of white fragility is its reflexive confusion of fear with danger and comfort with safety.”

Resmaa Menakem

My Grandmother’s Hands

[fxreflyes]

accidentally forgot the main rings I wear at my bfs so backup ring stack? mixed metals ring stack?

[faunandfloraas]

All the girls on twt right now just lying

[cerealmonster15]

haikaveh... save me haikaveh...

i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........

i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[boycritter]

is my mom capable of being. normal. about me being sick?